CITY IS WAITING FOR YOU

CITY IS WAITING FOR YOU
From here to there...to San Francisco

Sunday, July 21, 2013

I STILL HEAR DISAPPOINTMENT

You work as hard as you can to be a "good girl" when you are a daughter to your parents and especially in the eyes of your mother. Here it is your have a woman that had a past and has had three daughters that she raised; not alone, but at that time in the 50's where the woman was in the home. Yes, she was awarded the opportunity to do so; whether it was by chose or forced, but I can still hear her voice when she was raising me. It was more times than not; the voice of disappointment. I recently was speaking with my mother on the phone and she was curious why my son wasn't working this summer. I thought I come through the phone to shout at her, but took a deep breath and informed her that he had tried; not that it was any of her business, but reminded her of his past health that almost took him from me and let her know he couldnt find a job because of his age. Prior week it was mentioned of my own placement in the workforce. I had to remind her again that I was going to school, but she was only interested if it was something for getting a job...not for my fullfillment. I was disppointed, for you can tell then that she never really heard the conversations we had had in the past about why I was going back to college and what area of study I was wanting my degree in, for my own pleasure and my own personal accomplishments. It is like she never ever heard me. Now that was something that was upsetting. All she was interested in was if the classes were to award me a chance to go back to the working force. She didn't even remember that I had worked for many years...literally worked my backside off, was injured, was placed disabled and even went to court; which the judge proclaimed I was able to be in the status of retired and that I needed to take the timeout to heal. My mother forgot all about this. All she wanted to know if I was getting a degree so I could go back to work. I wanted to scream and shout at her, but I didn't. I heard the voice of my belated father, "be a good girl." I wish he was physically there to hear her, for he would had put a stop to it all. I guess that is the only way she is going to see me doing something with my life is being back at work. I have never asked for her help with anything or even money, for I knew what the answer would be..."No". I figure if I was to be grown I take care of myself...that is what grown folk are suppose to do, but have heard that family you should be able to turn to for help if needed. That is not my mother philosphy or she has never let me feel that from her, so I do what I must to keep my life going as comfortable as possible. So taking a deep breath and hearing her on the other end wanting to end the call, for I could tell she knew I was aditated; I just calmly said good-bye and hung up the phone. Instantly after I hung up the phone I felt like that child again that was not pleasing her. Yes, I am her child, but I am a grown woman that has raised three children that are doing positive things in their lives, but still I feel I can never be good enough for her. Let's face it; even then I didnt and still don't "walk on water" now. I am far from perfect and I think that is what my mother wanted and still wants...PERFECTION. I wish she would look in the mirror and asked herself is she perfect or even if she was or is statisfied with her own life. It is not about blame; than it is more an understanding of this daughter. I do the very best I can in life. I have never tried to purposedly interrupt their lifes as I got older, while I was on my own, and even as I was married or raising my children. I snicker now, for this blog particularly is therapy. I want to stop hearing that voice of my childhood from her. I want to block it out. I have and will go forward with my life as I see fit and work harder to not let her get under my skin and maybe one day before one of us leaves this earth; she finally gets it. I can only hope. I thank you for those that read it and it wasn't to air my dirty laundry it was just to cleanse my spirit that is some ways still hurting. The "I" is the me...the writer of this blog. Peace to all. (Hearing the song "SMILE" by Tony Bennett now)...I am smiling